Not good enough

It's 1 AM. I'm listening to Vaccine. Today has been such an unbelievably shitty day that I'm seriously considering just fucking driving somewhere tomorrow, getting a motel room, turning off my phone, and letting people think I've been kidnapped or something. I know full well that that won't happen, that I'm too levelheaded to do something even slightly rash or out of the ordinary, but the thought of doing something blatantly for attention is really appealing right now. Such has been my approach to the world that I now feel like people passively become my friends more because they're afraid of letting me down than because they actually like me. Same applies to family, too: I think I spent so much time making it clear that I wanted to do my own thing and that I don't really need help that they're more or less not really in my life, but right now I want to feel like I mean something, and there really is nobody there to do that. For all my grandstanding and pretending I'm my own little island, I really just want to share and love and all that, but I'm scared. Nothing I'm doing feels right and nobody will ever care because I'll never allow myself to scream for help even though every time I'm reminded how alone I am I can privately spend full days feeling like I'm going insane, wanting to vent, and wanting to die, but always being too restrained to do anything but tell everyone I'm fine, which only makes it worse.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how fun Summerscape was, which is a funny thing because while I was doing it I thought it was monotonous and lonesome. As such, I'm not really sure how it was. I think in hindsight, the lack of stress I felt while doing that is very appealing, especially given how up against it I feel now.

The funny thing is, in terms of moving towards graduation, I'm doing better now than ever. I'm positively hurtling towards what I want to do, but I've never felt so placid and uninspired, even now that I've found a medium in which I can create something special. Necessity is the mother of invention, which is why I can keep churning out things I think are cool, but I guess it's always been my nature to get into a routine from which I'm afraid of breaking, but about which I will complain endlessly, to myself and others. For example, the boldness to go get a job is the sort of thing that will get me lots of jobs, but I'm not sure it'll get me any jobs I really want. While I'm only 21 now, I could easily wake up one day aged 55 having, in a blur of monotony, spent my entire normal adulthood obsessing over something (anything: chasing a dream, working a decent-paying job at which I am good, going to goddamn Ghana and teaching English, all for example) but never really attaining the heights I set out for, having settled for nothing special 20 years prior. I guess what this all boils down to is that I'm very good at convincing myself of what I want, but I'm not at all sure where that'll lead me, and absolutely not convinced it'll ever take me anywhere happy or successful if I let myself do everything alone.